So sore!

So I used to count calories...and I let it consume me! I didnt use it as a guide, I went way over board and became sick because of lack of calories. Ideally I should have been eating  1300-1500 to lose weight, but I was only consuming between 900-1000 most days. It wasnt enough to sustain me. I always felt weak, and I would go crazy with my workouts and eat hardly anything, then I would binge and feel so sick and not workout for several days. It was a roller coaster. It wasnt healthy and I was very much ruingin my self image even more. I was ruining the idea of working out and losing weight in a healthy way. Fast forward 9 months! I have gained 5 pounds. I have been trying so hard to get back in the game mentally, so I can do workouts that work for me and so I can start to lose weight in a very healthy way (even if it takes me another 9 months to reach my goal!)
Its been very hard to prepare myself to start this journey. I kept telling myself I was ready when I wasnt, I knew I wasnt because I wasnt ever motivated to work out. I tried to eat healthy, and most days I did, but I still made bad decisions. I know that if I make this lifestyle change it cant be "one good day for every 3 bad" I need to make the commitment to have all good days, and then have a few "cheat" items. Not to completely rid myself of the yummy junk food!
I think I am finally mentally in the place to start this journey again.
I dont have to kill myself to give 100%. All I have to do, is something everyday. I dont have to go to the gym for over an hour everyday to make this lifestyle. I can find fun things to do to get fit. I do what I can each day and I dont have to kick my own butt at the gym just to get fit. I just have to do something each day and I will meet my goal! If I do have the time and energy to get in a super long intense workout then awesome! I am so excited for this change! So watch out summer! I'll be looking good before you arrive!

Famous Daves and great conversation!

I had lunch with a great friend today. She is leaving vegas today, and I am going to miss her so much! She was here on a TDY, and I have only met her 3 weeks ago! It seems as if we have been friends for such a long time! We had a wonderful lunch at Famous Dave's BBQ and just talked for a couple hours! Maddie is feeling better today which makes me so happy! She still isnt 100% but we are working on it!
I went to the store today to get a pizza for dinner...and I ended up spending almost $50! It was everything that we needed...okay maybe not....but we will use it all :)
I dont really feel like I have much to talk about. I guess I will keep this a really short post, and maybe I will have more to say tomorrow!
I plan on getting up and going to the gym! Lets see how I feel :)!

Another hard day

It seems as though life is working against me. I get so gung ho about eating healthy and working out and being really excited about this new transformation...and BAM! Life goes "nope, not today". I woke up with the worst dry, sore throat. My nose was kinda stuffy and I just felt really blah. Kinda achey, like the day before you get hit with a sickness. Maddie is teething, and the skin is breaking on her gum (Its the last eye tooth and it needs to hurry up!) and she is also sick. I think its from the crazy weather we had the other day. Monday it was sunny and gorgeous. 77 was the high and it was just amazing. Tuesday it was sunny, and warm but it was also SUPER windy. The weather man said we were in a "High wind advisory" and the gusts were like 85mph. THEN Wednesday the high was only like 55degrees and still very windy. It even snowed in part of Vegas! Thats why I think we got sick, the wind and cold brought something in. I had my dermatology appointment today. Another laser treatment on my face. It hurt alot more than it normally does. I dont know if it was because my sinuses are blocked so my face is more sensitive...I'm not even sure that thats a possibility! I'm just trying to figure it out. I havent bruised yet, and I'm hoping that I dont. I think I will only have one more session before they dont want to see me anymore. I love the dermatologist on base. He is really nice. The appt only lasts for less than 10 minutes but he talks to me the whole time and seems genuinely interested in what I have to say.
Since Maddie doesnt feel good I didnt get anything done. She was really clingy and fussy all day. It makes for a long day! I love her, but man! I love my husband. he is awesome with her when I have had a rough day. He showers after work and then plays with her so I can have some alone time. And right now, she is crying in bed and he went up to calm her down because he knows that I'm still a little frustrated from putting her down. He is the best.
Hopefully tomorrow she will be happier so I can get at least something done.
Today wasnt a bad day for food, but it wasnt great either. I need to clean out the fridge and put all the healthy stuff back up front so its the first thing I see when I open the door. I need to make more of an effort towards what I eat, not just the idea of eating healthy, but making the change to actually stick to it!

Today

I've never been good with words. When I need them the most, they fail me. When I have no one to talk with I feel like the words just keep flowing. I am hoping that this blog will help channel how I feel.
I dont expect anyone to ever read this, I havent even decided if I will post this anywhere. I just need something to help with the long days. Being a stay at home mom is the best thing I could ever do with my life. I absolutely love it. I think the hardest thing about it, is not having the adult interaction. I really miss talking to someone on a daily basis. I've been struggling with a form of depression and I'm not sure where it stems from. Daniel doesnt think that depression is legit. So I dont feel like its something that I can talk to him about. I dont want to go to the doctor about it because I dont want to be put on some sort of drug that makes me feel like a zombie. I know I need to suck it up and do something, I am just nervous. Maybe even a little scared.
I have been struggling with my weight, maybe that is what has been my issue. I am so unhappy with the way I feel about myself. The way that I look, the way that I feel. I know that it is so superficial, but I am so tired of being the size and the weight that I am. It seems that no matter what I do, whether it be working out, or eating right, the amount of sleep I get or how many glasses of whater I drink, Nothing changes. I stay the same. The more I work out the hungrier I am, and the hungier I get the more I eat and the harder it is for me to get the motivation to actually work out. Its a never ending cycle.
I guess in a way I am hoping that this blog will help me stay accountable for what I do with my day. What I put in my mouth or how active I am.
Today is a venting day.Today is the day I get everything negative off my chest. Tomorrow I will start fresh. It will be a new Today. A chance to start off right, and get into a habit of getting healthy. So cheers, to Today